Oh let this be, where I die. My Lord with thee, crucified. Be lifted high as my kingdoms fall. Once and for all.
This has been my prayer recently. It’s been about 3 months since I’ve last written anything. To be honest, it has been 3 months since I last truly prayed. I wish I had some ‘acceptable’ reason but I don’t. There was no family emergency that demanded my time. There was no crazy busy work schedule that stole my precious moments before the King. There was no debilitating illness I was undergoing which prevented my prayers and praises from going up. I simply stopped.
Not willingly…but not unwillingly either. I became bogged down with life. I became confused. I became numb, and my “I’ll pray later” ‘s turned into “I’ll pray tomorrow” which turned into “I’ll read my bible at church” which turned into, “I’m too busy to go to church today.” Suddenly, my prayer life was in shambles and so was my natural.
My ‘I’ll pray later’ turned into ‘I’ll pray tomorrow’ which turned into ‘I’m too busy to go to church.
My child was acting up. My husband and I were fighting. My friends and I were falling out. I was lonely, angry, frustrated, overwhelmed. Let’s talk about the loneliness I felt. This was not a normal lonely. It was recognition that I strayed from God…and I could see it. My body could feel it. My spirit could feel like. This aching as if there was something more. What a terrible feeling to experience.
It’s been months since I’ve written anything until today. I am sure that’s because today is the first day I’ve truly prayed. Spent time with God on purpose today. I made it a point to sit before Him….not to ask of anything other than forgiveness. To beg He wouldn’t turn His face from me. To please not give me over to a reprobate mind. For the first time, in my 28 years of living, I was afraid of God.
I should explain that further. I reverenced Him. I found myself in tears with a repentant heart, because in the instance He allowed me into His presence, I realized who He is. God is a Holy God. For the past 3 months and honestly, my whole life, I have taken for granted His loving kindness and mercy.
I have “ASSUMED” that I can get away with sin if I just say “sorry” and mean it. I have acted as if the Lord of Lords, is one basic entity and not the Alpha and Omega. I have disrespected his temple; my body; by allowing things in that are not of Him. I have distanced myself from Him assuming the position of being my own god. You know, the. “I got this” spirit. The, “I don’t need to pray about it. I know what to do” mindset.
Lord, have mercy.
Suddenly, as I sat before Him, my heart broke. I realized just how I’d been truly treating God. As if He was common. As if He owed me something. As if I was doing Him a favor to be before Him. I may be the only person who has done this. I may be the only person in the history of mankind to falter this way. But I wanted to share because I wanted to proclaim how sweet God is.
While trembling (literally) in His presence in tears repenting, came a correction from the Holy Spirit that was so gentle. I wish I could describe it but words won’t do justice. Suddenly my reverence and fear shifted to praise and thanks. And suddenly I felt a burden lift. I was able to just sit in His glory and praise Him. And my heart rested assured that He hadn’t turned His face from me.
What a merciful God!
Sisters, I am being transparent today. Today I am lifting God high as my kingdoms fall. Not kingdoms the enemy erected but Kingdoms I built. Kingdoms I worked day and night on to strengthen in my own power. I am writing my heart down for all to see, so that you won’t make the mistake I made…so you won’t find yourself in this pit as I did.
I know that life gets busy and we get tired. We are wives. We are mothers. We are employees. We are daughters. We are sisters and friends. We have 150,000 things to do by 10:00 am. I know. We feel unappreciated at times. I know. We get discouraged at times. I know. We feel cheated at times. I know. But sis, the only one who gives us to the power to be and do all those things and more, is the one who issued the call. Jesus Christ. Our strength comes from Him and him alone. If you are tired and you’re thinking, I’ll just read my word tomorrow. I’ll just pray tomorrow. Please, Please, I beg of you, to get up and pray your hardest right then and there. Prayer is our lifeline to God. It is how we get directions from Him. It is how we stay close in communication to Him. It is in our prayer closet where He reveals himself to us in such special ways. Don’t cheat yourself out of that.
As children of God that have been adopted into His kingdom family, we get the privilege to be before Him. A Holy God who has chosen us. Recognize the privilege and honor attached to that.
My prayer my dear sisters, is that we would lift God high as our kingdoms fall. That we would die to self, once and for all. I pray that we would lay it down. Every concern. Every fear. Every hurt. Every dream and aspiration. Every desire. Every hidden part. That we would lay it all down to Him…for Him. And that we would willingly carry our crosses. That we would willingly answer the call. That we would willingly praise and worship. I pray that in the moments when “I’ll pray later” pops in our minds, the Holy Spirit will stir in our bellies to rise up and pray like never before. I pray we never become satisfied and comfortable in our walks with God. I pray that Jesus would forever be enough for us!
In Jesus’ MATCHLESS name,