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God’s Pursuit of us is RELENTLESS

 

“I’ll set you as a seal, upon my heart, as a seal upon my arm. For there is love that is a strong as death and jealousy demanding as the grave, and many waters can not quench this thirst. You won’t relent until you, have it all. My heart is yours. Come be the fire inside of me. Come be the flame upon my heart. Until You and I are one.”

 

These are the lyrics to a song that I used to sing in college. It is such an awesome worship song. I haven’t heard it in years, when I was walking through my kitchen and suddenly began to sing the words out loud. The song literally arose in my belly. As I sang the first verse walking back into my bedroom to spend time with my husband and daughter (playing games), I felt the urge to stop and worship. So, I walked into my living room and began to sing the entire song. It’s then when my spirit was hearing the words I was actually singing. I realized God’s pursuit of us is relentless.

Being totally transparent, completely bare, I have been struggling. Struggling to stay afloat with the Lord. Struggling to spend time with Him. Struggling to submit fully to Him.  Struggling to trust Him. Struggling to give Him every aspect of my life. My marriage. My family. My motherhood. My finances. My dreams. My goals. My health. My plans. My fear. My wants. My broken heart. My unforgiveness. My jealousy. Me.

I began to realize just how serious Jesus is about me, His love and His desire for me. As a quick testament, I lived in sin for the 21 years of my life. I did everything under the sun…twice. I have been through sexual abuse, verbal, mental and physical abuse from past spouses. I have been through depression that left me lingering in bed for days on end without enough strength to take a shower. I have hated others and I have hated myself. I have purposely turned my back on God to satisfy my flesh. And DESPITE it all, His love for me remained relentless. How could I not submit to Him? What has been holding me back?

I have called you by name. You are mine. Isaiah 43:1

 

Lord, Have Mercy. 

This is what my prayer is now. To seek out what has hindered me from entering fully in. I’m not talking the surface level ” Oh, I don’t know if people will accept me if I serve God fully” or the “What will my family think?”. Not even the ” I am not ready to lose it all for You Lord.” I’m talking specific and strategic prayer and warfare to have the Lord lay His finger and shed light on what it is exactly that hinders me.

I don’t know about you all but I am so tired of breaking God’s heart and making Him wait for me. I am so tired of living as my own God and deciding what I feel He feels is best for me. (Yes, I said that correctly). I am so tired of reading the Word just to read it. Going to church and not being changed by the Word going forth.

I know this post may seem a bit all over the place, but suddenly guys, my heart feels so heavy as I realize just how far I am from God and just how much I haven’t yielded. It’s amazing to me how I haven’t recognized that God is Holy and perfect in all His ways. How He is a jealous God. How He doesn’t want pieces of me. He wants all of me. That’s mind-blowing to me. I wish I could put into words just how serious our relationship with Him is. How serious His love for us is.

I wish I could end this post int the “I have ‘arrived’ and fully submitted to God” tone of voice. I wish I could snap my fingers and be at that secret place with Him yet that is not the case now. Right now, I am realizing just how broken and lost I am. I am realizing just how much He has loved me relentlessly and all I want to do is cry. So, that’s what I will do. Cry, and pray, and worship and warfare until I get to a place where I enter into a full covenant with  the Lord.

One truth I know, is that His love makes it worth it all.

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