Let me be transparent (I mean, is there any other way to be???)
I have been STTRRUUGGGGLLLLLIIIINNNNNGGGG these past few weeks. I have been struggling in eating healthy. I have been struggling in working out. I have been struggling in my prayer life. I just have not been doing my best. As I was in prayer this morning, crying out to God and praying His Word, I sort of had a memory. The Lord has been dealing a lot with my heart as of late. And I had a memory of being in high-school, in the cafeteria. I had used one of my friends cell phones to call my mom at work and let her know I was ready to come home. We had argued earlier that morning, and so, trying to make amends, I said “I love you” and I meant it. But the response I received back, was “Yeah…sure you do.”
My feelings were hurt and in that moment I had decided to harden my heart. I would never say I love you again to my mother.
Talk about a hard word from God. See, I have spent years angry at my mom for not being who I wanted her to be, for not responding how I wanted her to respond in certain situations. And while yes, I have since said I love you to my mother, given this new info…I’m not too sure I meant it. I certainly didn’t love her how God called me to. I mean, how could I. I had chosen to close off my heart to her, to never make it accessible again. I would never feel that sort of rejection again, I told myself.
Now, I’m sure my momma didn’t mean it and I’m pretty positive if I brought this up to her she would not remember, or even deny ever saying such a thing or reacting such a way. This is not me bashing my mother. In fact, I thank God for my mother. She has made sacrifices for my brother and I that we will never know of. She is an amazing woman and I love her dearly. But I would like to love her with the love of God, not with my earthly conditional and flawed love. What I want to focus on is how this one incident affected me in a way I never noticed and it took the Holy Spirit to point it out.
I can recall times, arguing with my husband and after calming down, he would say “I love you”. You know what my response was???? “UH Huh, sure you do.” I literally cringed in prayer as I heard myself repeat those careless and heart breaking words. My heart saddened to know that I could’ve made him feel as I felt the moment they were spoken to me. You see, many will look at this and say, “Gladys, It’s just words. You guys argued. She didn’t mean it. Get over it.” Well let me tell you, I am tired of hearing ” Just get over it.” No. If I could just get over it, I would’ve.
Instead, I am not going to just let it go and just get over it. Instead, I choose to give it to God and let Him get me over it.
The fact is, in that moment, I took my mothers words to heart and I let them dictate how I would love in the future. I no longer would accept apologies. I no longer would believe change. I would no longer accept love. Instead, every time I felt hurt by an individual, and they sincerely apologized and said I love you, I would secretly in my heart and in my spirit respond “Yeah, sure you do.” And my actions would show it. I wouldn’t love how I was called to. I would withhold a piece of myself out of protection. All from, this one little incident. That’s how the enemy works. He takes life’s unpredictable and uncontrollable moments, and he makes little suggestions. He suggest: “Hey, hey you. Yeah you. You should protect yourself. You didn’t like how that felt when that person said that. Harden your heart. Become numb so no one can hurt you again.” And then he leaves. His work is done. He planted that seed.
My sin in this, is that I didn’t give it over to God. And yes, I didn’t get truly saved until I was 21, but guys, I’m 27. I have had 6 years of knowing God to get before Him and allow Him to show me my heart. My sin is that I took the enemies suggestion, and I entertained it. And as I entertained the suggestion that my momma didn’t love me, I began to believe it. And so now, I see why I behave how I do when I am around my momma. I don’t tell her what’s going on in my life. I don’t believe she cares. All because of this one incident when I was in high-school. Lord, Have Mercy!
I sat in awe as God revealed this one condition of my heart (Because I have many). I had a choice to make. Make excuses or ask for forgiveness. Forgiveness for holding my mother to impossible standards…standards I can’t even reach. Forgiveness for holding onto unforgiveness. Releasing my momma from that mental prison I held her in for all those years. And then binding the enemy and refusing and rejecting that seed in my life. Asking forgiveness for speaking those same words in that same tone to my husband. Asking forgiveness for rejecting God’s love for those around me. I prayed this morning something for my mother, I have never prayed before. I prayed for God to show me how to love her with His love not my own. To love her simply because of who God called her to be.
This revelation has blessed me in such a way and I pray it does the same for you.
The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it? You Lord, search the heart and examine the mind to reward each person according to their conduct. Father, please forge us as we have walked in unforgiveness. Please have mercy upon us Lord. We repent for entertaining the suggestions of the enemy. Lord, we ask that you would uproot all seeds planted in our hearts by satan. We reject his suggestions and we reject him. Lord, please teach us to love unconditionally as you love us. Father we praise you in Jesus’ mighty name and we thank you that we are a new creation, all things old have passed away. Amen.